Bin Laden Offers Unconditional Surrender on Second Tape, Rejected by Cheney

Washington, DC (Rotters) – Al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden offered the US unconditional surrender on an astonishing second audiotape released today. The White House immediately declared: “We do not accept the surrender of terrorists. That’s just bad business.”

The surrender offer was made on an audiotape broadcast by the Al Jazeera satellite television network, and the CIA was scrambling to authenticate it. Homeland security was immediately raised to a level of red, meaning a danger of imminent attack.

Vice President Dick Cheney rejected his own assessment yesterday that the terrorist network had been driven “underground” because they were supplying audio only messages. He stated that Al Qaeda was obviously playing with the United States and fully capable of immaculate Hollywood style productions in Technicolor and surround sound.

Cheney, in an exclusive follow-up with Fox News Channel stated, “We are an organization that will never sign a truce. I think that would destroy us. We can never deal with them.”

Anonymous CIA sources stated that yesterday’s anonymous CIA source who tentatively vouched for the authenticity of yesterday’s bin Laden tape had been identified, taken into custody, and was to be turned over to the Justice Department. They stated, again under condition of anonymity, that the CIA was now making great progress in identifying and policing leaks.

Cheney was asked by Fox news if killing bin Laden would lessen the threat from Al Qaeda, and he replied, “Probably not, we have no problems with identifying another centralized leader in their network.” Cheney also cautioned, “9/11 is weakened and fractured, but it is still a lethal tool because no one can guarantee that we won’t be hit again. Plus, it’s also good to have a little bit of old-fashioned luck on your side.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan stated, “We will end this war. And the president made it clear that we will end it in time in a country of our creation.”

Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean also spoke with Fox news, stating, “You don’t negotiate with the Bush administration. These people have killed almost 2300 Americans, there is no truce with them and there never can be. They will always insist that you trust them.”