Bin Laden Pledges Continued War on US as Race for the World's Most Hated Man Heats Up

Washington, DC (Rotters) – The CIA yesterday confirmed that an audio tape issued by Al-Jazeera did indeed likely contain the voice of Osama Bin Laden. In it, he condemned the US for its refusal to accept the fairly and democratically elected Hamas government of Palestine, and accused it of a “Zionist crusader’s war on Islam”.

Bin Laden also answered criticisms from the Muslim community in regards to Al-Qaeda’s targeting of civilians in it’s campaign against American interests and what many view as a disastrous conflict in Iraq. Many have suggested that his top deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri should step down as atonement for the setbacks. On the tape, Bin Laden pledges his total support and confidence in al-Zawahri, saying, “Ayman is the right man for the job. Allah is the ultimate decider, his name be praised, and I am just his vehicle. This is hard work, but Allah willing, I am become the decider, and I decide that al-Zawahri stays, Allah be praised.” Bin Laden is believed to be hiding out in the rugged mountains on the Afghan/Pakistani border.

President Bush, maintaining a low profile at a luxury hotel in the rugged mountains on the border between California and Nevada, spoke to the troops yesterday encouraging them to continue the fight for Democracy. He issued a call for followers to proceed him into Iran, a former US base, and fight a proposed Russian uranium enrichment settlement. Experts felt the President issued the statement to deflect growing American animosity towards the war in Iraq. Bush also called for a boycott of all products worldwide from areas where Al-Qaeda has a foothold. American consumers abilities to refuse opiate or petroleum products leaves many to doubt the tenability of Bush’s proposed boycott.

Recent international approval polls have shown Bush and Bin Laden locked in a virtual dead heat in the lower thirties.