Washington, DC (APE) – The State Department today announced that following a refinement of an immunity offer, Blackwater Security employees would begin filling 40 to 50 diplomatic positions in Iraq which current State Department employees have refused. The move was applauded as a cost-cutting measure in that Iraqi diplomats will now be able to supply their own security, and 200 or more high paid diplomats who have threatened to resist being drafted for Iraqi service will now be summarily dismissed by the Bush administration. The Blackwater employees will be rewarded with a 10% pay raise as a bonus, and will be reporting for a one-week, battlefield course in diplomacy.
“What better representatives of the tough, wide stance that this administration intends to present to those who would do us harm in the Middle East,” stated Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “Gunpoint diplomacy and democratic reform does work, and this administration will be honored and remembered in history for setting an example.”
Administration cheerleaders leapt to the support of the new policy. “Folks, it’s about time that these “phony diplomats” in the State Department are canned,” stated pundit Rush Limbaugh on his nationally syndicated radio talk show. “They whine and moan that it’s not safe, and that being stationed there is “a death sentence”… but here’s the thing, they’re just not willing to die for their country. History is full of examples where the messenger gets killed… you kill the messenger… you kill the bearer of bad news. Well that’s just tough… they should have known that before they signed up. They’re worse than surrender monkeys. Now they can just get out of the way and let these Blackwater guys negotiate… they’re not afraid to die, and they just might take a few Islamo-fascists with them.”
In a somewhat related story, the White House today announced that President Bush would be offering up for bid on eBay a letter that he yesterday received from 29 concerned Democratic and one Independent Senator admonishing him that an invasion or attack on Iran could not proceed without Senate approval. The White House stated that the president was determined to make light of the issue in his effort to break through what he has called Democratic denial of the war. Proceeds from the auction will go towards establishment of an international charitable institute dedicated to assist those wrongly accused of war crimes, on land which Mr. Bush has purchased in Paraguay. An initial bid of $4 million has been logged from Rupert Murdoch and the Fox news empire.