BP Assures Public: Oil Well Will Be Sealed By 2015


BP Oil gave an upbeat assessment of the current oil spill crisis and claimed they would have the spill contained no later than July 23, 2015.

“This is not a permanent situation”, said BP CEO Tony Hayward. “We are developing new technologies that will soon be able to cap major oil spills such as this! The technology will be ready in about four years and will take a year to implement. Rest assured, things are going well!”

President Obama assured fishing people and others who make their livelihoods at sea that they will be able to collect unemployment benefits for the next five years thus assuring that their families will not suffer.

“Well, maybe they’ll suffer a little bit”, the president clarified. “But not as much as if we didn’t give them the benefits”.

Critics of BP argue that the entire well will empty out in less than 3 years thus making their promises empty and misleading. BP executives dismissed the complaint claiming, “this spill will continue for ten years or longer unless we cap it in five years!”

BP executives suggested that for the next few years people vacation somewhere besides the east coast. “California still has some nice beaches!” Hayward claimed.