BREAKING: Cheney Hospitalized With S.O.B.

Washington, DC (APE) – Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized early this morning with a protracted episode of S.O.B. Doctors related that they felt it was secondary to the vice president’s refusal to comply with certain medications.

Preliminary examinations revealed that Cheney had an unchanged EKG and that he was retaining a little bit of fluid, but was otherwise uncompromised in his cardiac status. Doctors related that the fluid may have accounted for a little bit of shortness of breath and would be easily managed by a small dose of diuretic. They also stated that this may have contributed slightly to the exacerbation of this chronic diagnosis of “son of a bitch” syndrome, or S.O.B.

A spokesperson for the hospital stated, “This is one of the worst cases of S.O.B. that our doctors have ever seen. The Vice President’s case seems to be chronic and unremitting. With the proper use of medication, most patients can go on to lead productive and fulfilling lives and families and coworkers can be spared much misery. However, when patients deviate from the recommendations of their doctors, the results can be disastrous as in the Vice President’s case.”

Physicians also stated that the Vice President had been complaining of leg pain, which may have also contributed to the S.O.B.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the Vice President’s leg was examined earlier yesterday by none other than the President himself. President Bush noted to the Vice President that the leg appeared to be quite stiff and in need of attention.

It was later learned that Cheney had been involved in an ongoing study of the effects of Viagra on S.O.B. undertaken by the George Washington University Hospital. It is unclear whether this was related to his exacerbation, and Pfizer officials were not available for comment.