Breaking: DNA Results Rule Out Birkhead and Stern as Father, Danni Lynn Cloned

Miami, FL (APE) – In a stunning announcement this morning, the office of medical examiners released the results of DNA testing on Danni Lynn, the baby of the late Anna Nicole Smith. A spokesperson declared that testing had conclusively proven that neither Larry Birkhead nor Howard K. Stern had fathered the baby and that indeed Daniel Lynn’s DNA was an exact match for her mother’s.

Both paternity suitors expressed their deepest sorrow and regrets over the results but vowed to stand by them.

In a related story, South Korean cloning pioneer, Dr. Hwang Woo-suk stepped forward to claim responsibility and credit for the apparently first successful instance of human cloning in history. He stated that Nicole Smith had approached him late in 2005 over the possibility of cloning herself, and he agreed to the expensive and groundbreaking set of procedures that took place in the Bahamas, and ultimately resulted in the birth of Danni Lynn.

The Bush administration immediately condemned the news, and cited the story as ample reason for the Democratic Party to abandon what President Bush has described as misguided and dangerous legislation in regards to stem cell research, which Congress is set to address this week.

Far from resolving the issue of who should have custody over baby Danni Lynn, nee Anna Nicole Jr., most legal observers predicted a slew of new lawsuits would ensue. Howard K. Stern has renewed his original bid for custody on the grounds that he is the de facto legal representative and lover of the infant Anna Nicole.

Virgie Arthur, the mother of Anna Nicole, has renewed her campaign for custody of Danni Lynn and insists that she will be victorious. “No jury in the land would possibly deny my rights now,” stated Arthur. “A daughter should be with her mother.”

Photographer and former lover Larry Birkhead insisted that if he was not awarded custody, an enormous breach of contract suit would be looming for whomever Danni Lynn was ultimately awarded. Birkhead stated that Danni Lynn had already been contracted to appear as a centerfold in May’s upcoming issue of “Playpen”, a modern maternity pictorial and current events magazine.