Breaking: Gonzales Resigns, Bush Appoints Brother as New Attorney General

Washington, DC (APE) – Early this morning, President Bush announced that he had accepted the resignation of an embattled Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General, and presented to a gathering of reporters his next choice for US Attorney General, his brother, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush. Bush sought to assure critics that the pre-existing loophole within the patriot act which had allowed Gonzalez to originally fire and replace eight US attorneys without congressional approval, resulting in controversy for the administration was still in effect and legally allowed for the appointment of his brother. In a reversal of positions Bush now vowed to fight any effort by Congress to, what he described as “politicize the process” and attempt a rewrite of the legislation.

“Fredo has generously offered to remain on and function in an advisory capacity to Jeb over the next two years until he gets up to speed,” stated Bush. “This is an important job, and well… I hope the third time’s the charm.”

Bush went on to state that the White House would likely claim executive privilege in regards to the possibility of future testimony from Gonzalez or special presidential adviser Karl Rove as is being considered by Congress, and described the controversy in regards to the US attorney firings as now resolved.

“I will continue to serve the president pleasure, and I pledge to make former attorney general Gonzales’ transition as smooth as possible,” stated former Florida Governor Bush. He went on to recognize that his appointment might come as a shock to some, particularly since he was not included on a list of likely replacements floated to congressional Republicans. He vowed to investigate the omission as one of his first acts as Attorney General.

The White House appeared to be preparing for a firestorm of criticism in regards to the move. White House special counsel Dan Bartlett scoffed at the idea that the appointment of Bush was nepotism and stated that criticism for the move amounted to nothing more than partisan politics in its basest form.

“Nobody really made a big deal when John Kennedy appointed his brother Bobby,” argued Bartlett. “Much has been made of the fact that Jeb only has a degree in Latin studies, but people tend to overlook his wealth of experience in interfacing with law enforcement as evidenced by his recent handling of the Terri Schiavo case during his tenure as governor of Florida. What the Justice Department needs at this point, is a mover and shaker… someone with experience outside of the law… someone who can really push forward this administration’s concerns over illegal immigration and voter fraud.”

A response to the controversial appointment from Democratic Senate majority leader Harry Reid was almost immediate and to the point. “When you take into account the multitude of abject failures of this administration, particularly in regards to the ongoing debacle in Iraq, you have to conclude that the President’s appointment of his brother is offering the American public a visit to a ‘used camel lot’.”