Denver, Colorado (APE) – In a breaking story from television station, KKTV in Denver, reporters have produced telephone records which not only confirm recent allegations of Haggard indulging in homosexual prostitution and the use of crystal meth but also linking him to the New York Times’ breaking story of the Bush administration’s disclosure of detailed Iraqi plans for a nuclear weapon to the public. Critics and scientists have maintained that disclosure of the plans would aid Iran or any other country with an interest in acquiring nuclear weapons. Haggard has been a close adviser and a confidant to the Bush administration’s inner circle in regards to religious matters, and gay marriage. The recent revelations promised to be explosive to the GOP, which engaged in a last hour effort at staving off defeat in the coming midterm election.
The Bush administration appears to be immediately distance itself from Haggard, insisting that he was merely a passing acquaintance at the White House, not unlike lobbyist Jack Abramoff. “Hagrid?… Hagrid, did you say?” Quipped White House spokesperson Tony Snow. “Isn’t he, that guy in Harry Potter?”
The White House went on to deny vehemently any complicity with Haggard over the release of the nuclear weapons plans, and insisted that it was not related to any attempt to promote a nuclear holocaust or “end of days” type of scenario.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales also present at the press conference stepped forward to state that this was merely the latest in a “litany” of treasonable offenses from the Times, which the Department of Justice would be launching an aggressive investigation into. “Since the operation has now been blown,” stated Gonz