Breaking: Mark Foley Names His Past Abuser from the Clergy, Fred Phelps

Lake Worth, FL (APE) – In a stunning announcement from an undisclosed rehab facility, disgraced Florida Congressman Mark Foley today allowed his personal lawyer to reveal the identity of his childhood abuser. Reading from a brief statement, Foley’s lawyer claimed that Foley had been sexually molested on three separate occasions during a Lake Worth Catholic summer camp by the now 75-year-old Reverend Fred Phelps, who, at the time, was serving as a camp counselor during a summer break from his brief studies at Bob Jones University in South Carolina.

Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church church offices could not be reached for comment, as the congregation was in the midst of secret plans for another anti-gay protest of a funeral for a returning American casualty of the war in Iraq.

Foley’s lawyer refused to provide many details surrounding the three purported incidents, except to state that Foley claims to remember vividly the white cowboy hat, and Phelps insistence upon playing a game he called “rodeo”. Foley claimed to have a “branding” scar as proof of the sadistic games which Phelps insisted upon.

Congressional Republicans who were contacted offered sympathy towards Foley, and lauded his courage for being able to finally step forwards. Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert of Illinois, stated, “I hope that the press will be able to take a clearer look at the situation now. I certainly hope that the Reverend’s past history of democratic political activity won’t be brushed aside.”

Hastert stated that he was considering opening Congressional hearings into the past and current activities of Phelps and his congregation.