New York, NY (O! Online) – Poptart Britney Spears, after recently text messaging her husband of two years, Kevin Federline that she was filing for divorce, was caught by paparazzi last night at a Manhattan restaurant with a newly resigned Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Initially, the couple appeared embarrassed over the attention, but eventually relaxed and discussed their presence with the assembled photographers.
Spears acknowledged that her recent application for divorce from Federline had been influenced by an admiration from afar of Secretary Rumsfeld. “I’ve just always had this thing about older men,” said Spears, “and especially older men with power. I feel safe with Don, he kind of reminds me of my dad. And the kids just love him to death.”
Spears went on to say that she had not been happy over the last few years with the course of her marriage and entertainment career, was looking for change, and felt that Rumsfeld would be the right man to help her with it. “I was really disappointed with what happened to Don,” stated Spears, “I feel like we as Americans should have just trusted his judgment.”
“I just really owe so much to Don”, continued Spears, “There was that whole sex tape thing that I was so worried about. I talked with Don about it, and he assured me that he could make it disappear… and it did!”
Rumsfeld repeatedly denied suggestions that he would soon be resigning his position as husband to his wife of 52 years, insisting that he planned to “stay the course”. “Does this look embarrassing? Sure. Is it totally innocent? Absolutely.” stated Rumsfeld. “I’ve simply been an admirer of Ms. Spears and especially her dedication to the president and the troops. She’s asked for my help, and now I appear to have a little more free time on my hands.”
Rumsfeld went on to explain that he had personally met Spears on a racquetball court, and that their common interests grew from there.
Rumsfeld went on to explain his strategy for resurrecting Spears’ flagging pop music career. “What we need is a leaner, faster, and more adaptable entourage and backup singers and dancers. Flexibility and mobility is the key… a dancer needs to be able to pick up a microphone and be good with it when the need arises. We’re going to be going on tour with the singers and dancers we want and not the ones we’ve got.”
Rumsfeld also stated that he would take a hands-on approach to streamlining the stressors that threatened Ms. Spears in the performance of her duties. He stated that one of his main tasks will be the continued downsizing of the Fed.
Rumsfeld refused to speculate further as to what his overall career intentions were since stepping down as Secretary of Defense, but insisted that he would continue to serve the president and the nation in whatever capacity was needed. Rumsfeld stated that he looked to possibly head the internal clandestine service that he created within the Pentagon. He stated that one of the latest tasks assigned him by the president is a review and update of the international extradition policies of various countries worldwide.