Washington, DC (APE) – In an early morning press conference today President George Bush blamed yesterday’s over 400 point loss in the US stock market on a highly sophisticated avian spy program initiated by the Chinese. The president produced a dead pigeon (Columbidae liva) captured yesterday in New York’s financial district which apparently had a computer chip surgically implanted in its head. Bush claimed that CIA scientists verified that the chip was capable of various tasks including monitoring as well as disrupting electronic communications.
Wall Street technicians were sent scrambling yesterday in an effort to explain why key computer programs had apparently malfunctioned at the end of the trading day resulting in what appeared to be a panicked selloff at market close.
Bush stated that animal control officers across the country in conjunction with Homeland security had begun efforts to round up these cybernetically enhanced birds dubbed “Manchurian Columbidae” in other financial district in Chicago and Los Angeles. He refused to stipulate as to the number of birds that had been discovered thus far but stated that the plot appeared to be “very widespread and insidious”.
“The United States simply will not be held at the mercy of economic terrorists,” stated Bush.
A formal statement from the Chinese government disavowed the president’s claims as “rubbish”. The government did admit to successful experimentation with chip implantation in a limited number of birds at the Robot Engineering Technology Research Center at Shangdong University of Science, but stated that these birds specifically were engineered only to respond to directional control in regards to flight.
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff stated that as a precaution in financial centers throughout the US this morning bird seed would be spread in order to attract pigeons away from key districts.