Bush Administration Places Polar Bear on Enabled Species List


Washington, DC (UPSI) – The Bush Administration today announced, after much deliberation, that it had decided to place the polar bear on its new “Enabled Species List”. The polar bear would become the first such animal listed under the administration’s revamping of the Endangered Species Act. Under its new designation as an “enabled species” the polar bear has essentially been adopted, through an agreement with the Bush administration, by Atlanta-based corporate giant Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola will be charged with helping to facilitate the polar bear’s successful adaptation to its rapidly changing environment.

Coca-Cola CEO, E. Neville Isdell stated that the company was proud to step forward and become involved in the administration’s pilot program. “We owe a lot to these big fellas over the years,” stated Isdell, “The annual Christmas campaigns featuring them have been some of the most successful advertisements in marketing history. We’re happy that we’re now able to give a little back.”

Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne steadfastly denied that the concession over listing of the polar bear would in any way signal the administration’s possible recognition of the effects of increasing greenhouse gases. He did, however, reveal that some of the language of the sponsorship agreement reached with Coca-Cola entitled the company to an undisclosed, yet substantial amount of what are described as future CO2 credits linked to their carbonation and bottling processes.

“We’re excited about the future for polar bears, and the ways in which we can enable them to take advantage of their changing environment,” stated Kempthorne. “They’re natural swimmers, with a true love of the water. Coca-Cola will be working closely with government funded scientists to intelligently design a new breed of polar bear capable of conducting their essential life cycle activities in a purely aquatic environment.”

“Our customers will automatically become involved with the adaptation of the polar bear,” stated CEO Isdell. “For every purchase of one of our products, Coca-Cola will automatically access available donated funding towards reducing carbon footprints, which will be put towards selective breeding programs for strong swimmers. In addition, there are exploratory studies underway in which 2 L plastic containers can be recycled and combined in masses to serve as floating replacements for the diminishing sea ice, providing brief rest areas for the newer, more aquatic bears.”

Isdell encouraged consumers to support the Enabled Species Act through their purchases of Coca-Cola products. “This is an awfully big carbon footprint that we’re attempting to fill, and were going to need everybody’s shoes to get the job done,” concluded Isdell.