Bush Administration Takes Credit For "Curbing" Gang Violence

Major metropolitan and urban areas have been recording a consistent decline in gang activities during the last six months. At first considered to be an aberration, it has now been ascertained that the precipitous drop in gang related crime is a direct result of Bush Administration policies. Put simply, the gasoline needed to power “gangtsa’s” massive SUV’s has become simply too costly for the would be criminals to run them, thereby seriously curbing their illegal activities.

Even the enormous dollar figures that drug dealing, prostitution and contract killing bring in are not enough to cover the cost of cruising a Ford Exposition all night long. Some high level gangsters have taken to parking their Cadillac Escalades and Hummers and buying more fuel efficient if less intimidating vehicles like the British Mini and Toyota Prius.

One Los Angeles gang task force investigator jokingly commented that it’s almost painful to watch once intimidating thugs rolling up the street in a car that they could fit into the back of one of their SUV’s. “They look like a troop of circus clowns now, all crowded into one them little Mini’s. I gotta admit it’s also beginning to hurt my own self esteem. It’s less cool than it was fighting crime these days; half the time we’re surveilling (sic.) them cruising gas stations looking for the best price. They’re lucky if they can get one shooting in a night. Last week some bangers actually ran out of gas right in the middle of a drive by and had to try and shoot while pushing the getaway car down the street. Pitiful. On the upside, those freaking big wedge speakers they have don’t fit in the little cars so the streets are a lot quieter.”

The Administration of George W. Bush has been quick to take credit for the drop in the crime rate. Unnamed White House source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “You always say that we don’t know what we’re doing and that we don’t have a plan. Well, this should show you just how on top of things we are. As a matter of fact we’re so on top of things that we’re over the top…of things, I mean. We’ve been planning this assault on crime as far back as 2001 when Dick Cheney formed his Criminal Energy Task Force. One of the tasks Enron and Halliburton decided to force on the American public was record high gas prices as a deterrent to gang crime. Sure, millions of law abiding low and middle class families are suffering as well as a few thousand crooks, but this is America and Americans will do anything to feel secure, including freezing to death or choosing filling up their tank over, say, eating. And just as Americans can feel secure that George W. Bush will rebuild Iraq no matter how many hundreds of billions of dollars it takes and will gut Social Security because we just can’t afford it anymore, they can also be equally secure in the knowledge that they’ll be safe from crime, mostly because by the time George W. Bush leaves office they’ll have nothing left to steal.”