George W. Bush’s White House backed down from demands that the UN include an anti abortion initiative at their conference on Women’s Rights. Originally held in Beijing, China in 1995, this years meeting was a ten year anniversary to determine what, if any, progress has been made over the last decade. The Bush Administration, apparently confused as to the purpose of the conference, had sought a resolution limiting the rights of women to obtain abortion; unfortunately for President Bush the 130 attending countries and 6,000 delegates instead passed a resolution calling the United States a brainless bunch of boobs led by a Fundamentalist idiot. President Bush, always finely attuned to the nuances of international diplomacy, was forced to back off his proposal.
However, the worlds gain is the Mr. Bush’s and the Vatican’s loss. Pope John Paul II, incensed that the American president couldn’t keep the rest of the planet in line after George Bush promised him he could in order to gain support in the last election, first excommunicated Mr. Bush. Matters might have rested there, except that someone mentioned to God’s Voice on Earth that Bush wasn’t Catholic so an excommunication may not have its desired effect. Growing steadily angrier the Pope then excommunicated all of the United States; this move had the added benefit of ridding the Papacy of seemingly hundreds of child molesters in it’s employ. Unfortunately, someone also pointed out that it was the rest of the world that stopped Mr. Bush, hence the planet wide excommunication.
The Papal decree has had an unintended effect. Apparently John Paul in his advancing senility had forgotten that if everyone was excommunicated, then there would be no Catholic Church. Unnamed Papal Source Cardinal Giovanni (Grossolano) Diluviarecasa,
speaking on the condition of the privacy of the confessional said, ” While we’re still trying to figure out what to do with all those communion hosts and sacred wine, we are looking forward to selling off the Church’s assets worldwide. I’ve always thought we should sell off the religious artwork and church properties and get more involved in aerospace and defense investments. That and crude oil futures, that’s the way to make some serious cash.”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “I’ll admit we were a bit surprised that Pope John Paul just up and shut down the entire Catholic Church, but hey, the guys Gods Voice blah, blah ,blah, so I guess he can do it. At least we don’t have to keep pretending we actually like Catholics; you gotta remember, we in the Administration are Fundamentalists who believe that Catholics, Jews, Muslims and anyone who ain’t us are just gonna burn in the Fire after the Rapture. It was kinda hard pretending that we actually cared about the Heathen Freaks.”