Washington, DC “I hate the ‘D’ word; diplomacy, but I am forced to use it by circumstances,” a shattered and tearful President sobbed, in an unprecedented TV speech to the nation last night. ” I have been proud of my manly, Texas gunslinging methods of handling international problems. “Kick ass, I said. None of that sissy talk stuff. Our fine boys knew how to handle things when I send them over to solve a problem! Bullets, not words…..and now it’s come to this!”
The President sipped from a glass of water with shaking hand. It took him a moment to recover. A nearby aide wiped his brow. The President studied his teleprompter and resumed reading his speech.
” Unfortunately, none of our fine youths are enlisting or reenlisting in the military, I have no one to carry out my threats, our equipment is breaking down, as our soldier engineers and mechanics don’t know how to repair these new-fangled tanks and stuff. My faithful friends whom I have picked to run my wars, while dedicated, know nothing about warfare as none of them have had any military experience, but they are good friends…..this all leaves me in the position of threatening everyone in the world with massive force……..which I DON’T HAVE ANYMORE!” Unable to continue, President Bush, a broken man was respectfully led away off camera. What happened next was perhaps the major news event of the century.
As millions watched throughout the world, Osama bin Laden walked to the podium from an anteroom and waited in silence. President Bush emerged from the opposite side and the two engaged in a fervent embrace and kiss. ” Mission accomplished,” said bin Laden. translated from Arabic, ” I have reached my goal of defeating the United States, in this compassionate embrace, I bring love and peace to my former enemy. Saliah!”
An obviously shaken President had the final word. ” I’ll never be able to go back to Texas now. If I had a military left , this travesty never would have happened. Perhaps Hari-kari is the answer. “
Throughout the world, Arab embraced Jew, Sunnis embraced Shiites, Klansmen embraced blacks, Tree huggers embraced lumbermen…. and the presidential advisors discussed scenarios for World War III.