Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush yesterday made an appearance at the RNC’s NASCAR themed kickoff event and reportedly netted the party $17 million for the upcoming races in 2006. In stark contrast to the lower income “base” for which the event was calculated to appeal, over 800 people showed up with many donating much more than the $1500 entrance fee for an average of over $21,000 per person. The security staff for the DAR Constitution Hall, where the event was held, was documented as chipping in together for over $100,000 according to RNC accounting. RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman stated that, “The car seems to be running pretty good right now. We had some problems earlier with a loose, “squishy” rear end and a definite pull to the left. But our phone banks say we’ve got ‘er dialed in pretty good now, and if we can just work on keeping fresh rubbers all around, we should be very competitive this year.”
Bush also modeled for the appreciative crowd the newly designed protective gear that will be issued to key Republican race team members this fall. The gear consisted of a brand new lightweight and flame retardant protective suit and crash helmet made from a blend of Teflon and Rhetorex. Rhetorex is a new space-age polymer fiber developed by Halliburton Inc., the main Republican race team sponsor. It was developed in conjunction with the Pentagon to address body armor shortages for the troops in Iraq but found to be less than adequate for that purpose.
“I think Ken and Karl have done a heck of a job on the car for this year’s race” stated team driver Bush. “I know for a fact that old Karl still has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. He’s got Diebold looking really closely at what kind of wiggle room we might have on those polling redistricter plates.”
Bush continued, “We’re especially looking forward to that love and support that we’ve come to expect from NASCAR fans. These guys are real troopers, and they are handling the cutbacks to the NASCAR season that had to be instituted because of high gasoline prices really well. The races have had to be shortened and all the cars will be electric now. Top speeds will probably drop to around 80 mph but the cars should crash just as good as the gasoline ones. We’ve begun talks with the Pentagon, and Don Rumsfeld, a big NASCAR fan, says that some of their experimental sonic crowd control measures could likely be adapted to restore the sound and feel of the race. It’s going to be an exciting season!”
In a freakish and incredibly unrelated incident yesterday, the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 214 points, losing almost 2% of its value.