Washington, DC (APE) – Fresh off of his State of the Union Address last night in which he addressed his concerns over an “addiction” to oil, President Bush announced proposals for a national 12 Step program to deal with the problem. The White House stated that they would be working closely in conjunction with the newly installed Kuwaiti Emir, Sheikh Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah to press forward with their international initiatives. Plans also include breaking ground on a new, state of the art clinic to treat the severely oil addicted. It will be erected in economically depressed Detroit, Michigan, and called the “Henry Ford Clinic”, after automotive pioneer Henry Ford.
A press packet about the program included a breakdown of the proposed initiatives, or steps:
The 12 Suggested Steps of Petroholics Anonymous
We admit we are powerless without Petroleum–that our lives have become unmanageable.
Come to believe that greater Power sources could restore us to sanity.
Make a decision to sign over our wills and our lives to the care of The President as we understand Him.
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of the rest of the world.
Point out to the President, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of the wrongs of the world.
Are entirely ready to elevate the President above all these defects of character.
Humbly ask the President to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all countries we will harm, and become willing to exact retribution from them all.
Made covert assaults upon such people wherever possible, especially when to do so could be blamed on others.
Continue to take others’ personal inventories and promptly deny that it’s wrong to do it.
Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the President, as we understand Him, praying only for his knowledge of oil wells for us and the power to pump them dry.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to Petroholics, and to practice these principles through affairs.