Bush Announces Bill Belichick as New Attorney General


Washington, DC (Rotters) – In a surprise announcement early this morning at the White House, President Bush announced that he would be putting forward the nomination of former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has the new US Attorney General to replace disgraced former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Belichick was recently found guilty of covertly videotaping opposing team’s signals after an NFL investigation, and fined $500,000. Belichick resigned his duties as head coach earlier this morning, and the White House announced that he had received a full presidential pardon. Under pressure from the White House the NFL had agreed to forgive the fine after the head coach’s resignation.

“I seem to have inherited a fairly demoralized group,” stated Belichick after the president’s introduction, “but this team of attorneys has some real talent and I think we can turn them into contenders in pretty short order.”

The White House refused to disclose terms of Belichick’s contract, but it is rumored to be in the millions and with a taxpayer-funded signing bonus as well.

“This man understands the need for security and vigilance.” stated President Bush. “He’s got some great ideas on both offense and defense in our ongoing struggle to push our necessary domestic wiretapping policy past the new FISA rules. What’s more, Bill is a true Patriot.”

The White House downplayed concerns over Belichick’s lack of legal experience stating that this should be viewed as more of an asset.

“We’ve got a whole team of young, eager Regent Law School graduates ready to assist Mr. Belichick in any way,” stated White House spokesperson Dana Perino.”The goal will be to not have him bogged down in the mundane, day-to-day legalese and management concerns, but to focus on ways to increase homeland security through covert monitoring in all forms.”

Senate Democrats immediately decried the president’s appointment vowing to oppose and overthrow it during confirmation hearings. The White House has reportedly offered a counter proposal of three first round primary election picks for the 2008 season, if the Democrats will allow confirmation.