Washington, DC (APE) – In a quiet ceremony early this morning at the White House President Bush today announced that he would be pushing forward with his nomination of Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig as his replacement for embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Critics expressed concerns that the nomination was likely doomed from the outset, predicting that rigorous confirmation hearings in the Senate may conflict with recently announced ethics proceedings against Senator Craig. The White House stated that the ethics proceedings were now a moot point as the president had issued a full presidential pardon to Senator Craig in conjunction with today’s appointment.
“Since when has this administration ever strayed away from controversy,” stated President Bush to reporters afterwards. “I have spoken with Larry, and I’ve looked into his eyes and his soul, and he says that these groundless charges are behind him, and I believe him. This man has been through the mud, he knows mud, and he’s wrestled in mud. He is the right man for the job at this time, and he will be charged with restoring credibility to the Justice Department. He has a wide stance on all issues, and he handles himself well under pressure. His core set of beliefs are emblematic of this administration and he should fit in well.”
Craig briefly thanked the president for the opportunity to serve at his pleasure, and pledged to have the problems at the Justice Department “zipped up as soon as possible”.
Democratic majority leader Harry Reid was reached for comment, and agreed that Craig’s confirmation hearings would likely be fraught with difficulties. “We had cautioned the president against another partisan appointment,” stated Reid. “Instead, what we get is a backdoor appointment of a master of Republican stall tactics.”