Bush Announces Reforms for US Border Patrol

Artesia, NM (APE) – President Bush yesterday visited the training academy for the US Border Patrol in New Mexico and announced sweeping and controversial changes for the organization. The tough stances on enforcement and push back on illegal immigrants’ invasion of the US will be replaced by a more inclusive program of parole for repeated offenders, to be enforced by the former Border Patrol.

A system of fines and surcharges for discount crossings will be instituted, the revenue from which will be funneled back into recruitment efforts for the National Guard, and an experimental program to fast track citizenship for those willing to serve their new country.

“Who knows the border better than these guys?” stated Bush, as he addressed a new class of over 700 potential Border Patrol officers. “Show me a tired, hungry, Mexican that just wants a fair shake, and I’ll show you a tough, savvy, spit in your eyes, Border Patrol Officer or National Guardsman who’s ready to take on work that most Americans won’t do.”

Bush faces a tough sell on his new ideas from conservative members of his own party.

“Sure, they have a point about various illegalities and such,” Bush stated to reporters afterwards, “but just wait until they can’t find a housekeeper, or landscaper, or their pools aren’t getting cleaned