ST. LOUIS, Missouri (UCS News) — Two missing brains, one of them missing since 2002, were found alive in a Kirkwood, Missouri apartment and a suspect was arrested, Franklin County Sheriff Gary Toelke said Friday. The brains appear to be healthy but have not been united with their owners, Toelke said.
The brains have been identified as belonging to the President of the United States, George W. Bush, and the Vice President, Dick Cheney. Toelke was surprised the brains had gone missing without anyone noticing. “Obviously there’s some very happy people in Washington,” he said.
Thursday night, two police officers in suburban Kirkwood went to a residence at the apartment complex to serve an unrelated warrant, Toelke told reporters. While there, they noticed a rusty white Nissan pickup truck that matched the description of that sought in an unrelated brain theft. “That resulted in the recovery,” Toelke said.
Michael J. Devlin, 41, was arrested and has been charged with two counts of first-degree brain theft. said Franklin County Prosecutor Robert Parks. Devlin was being held on $1 million bail, he said, and more charges are likely. Parks has been questioning Devlin in hope of finding out he came into the possession of both George W. Bush’s and Dick Cheney’s brains.
According to Devlin, he found the unused brains in a 4 drawer filing cabinet he purchased on Ebay in 2004. The brains were wrapped in newspaper and secured with packing tape. According to medical personal on the scene, the brains are unusually small but otherwise appear to be alive and well. The FBI and CIA are investigating the case and have taken the brains into custody.
The CIA official in charge of the investigation said George W. Bush’s brain is in good hands at the Bethesda Navel Hospital but will not be returned to the President until the investigation has been concluded.
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow stated “The President and his staff were unaware that his brain was in fact missing but would issue a statement later in the week.” Dick Cheney’s brain has been moved to undisclosed but secure location.