Bush Cleanses Administration With Mayan Sacrifice

Uxmal, Mexico (APE) – President Bush ended his weeklong five nation tour of South and Central America with an ancient animal sacrifice ceremony with Mexican President Felipe Calderone at the Quadrangle of the Nuns at the Uxmal ruins in Uxmal, Mexico. Under the supervision of Mayan priests, a yearling lamb was substituted for the required virgin for the cleansing ceremony, although Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice had volunteered for the sacrifice.

To the delight of onlookers, Bush used a ceremonial knife to open the chest cavity of the Lamb and remove the still beating heart. Bush then consumed the heart in tradition with the Mayan ceremony, as the Lamb had already been cleared by White House physicians over concerns with possible risk factors for Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.

“This is the highlight of my presidency to participate in this ceremony in such a historic place,” stated Bush. “It’s even more satisfying that this occurs during Easter and our recognition of the sacrificial lamb, Jesus.”

Mayan priests assured Bush that in spite of the fact that a virginal human female would have been a better sacrifice, the ceremony should still have the desired effect of ridding the administration of evil. The priests then set about the daunting task of cleansing Uxmal of the administration’s evils that it had absorbed. Officials for the ruins stated that it would likely be closed to the public for the next three months.

Bush returns to Washington today amidst growing calls for pardons for Alberto Gonzales, Scooter Libby, General Peter Pace, and Vice President Dick Cheney.