Washington, DC (APE) – Federal authorities were summoned to the Thai Embassy late this evening to take custody of US President George W. Bush. Bush allegedly confessed to Embassy officials that he was guilty of the rape and murder of the U.S. Constitution, a mystery that has baffled legal experts for over five years.
White House press secretary Tony Snow immediately called to question the story of the president’s guilt. He stated: “I have to believe that they have more than this kooky confession. The president had merely taken an interest in the evolving story of JonBenet Ramsey and had gone to the embassy to see if there were further developments.”
Officials at the Thai Embassy stated that the president approached them earlier this afternoon, after the announcement of the decision by federal judge Anna Diggs Taylor ruling that the NSA’s warrantless wiretapping program was illegal. Shortly thereafter, he volunteered the stunning confession that he had raped and murdered the Constitution.
A throng of reporters peppered the recalcitrant president with questions. Bush told how he loved the Constitution, and was there when it died, but insisted that its death was an accident.
Bush stated that drugs were involved, but all were prescribed by physicians in an effort to help him cope with the stresses of his job. While under the influence, Bush stated that he forced the Constitution into progressively more and more outrageous and depraved acts until it was killed by accident. Legal scholars admitted that all along there had been ample evidence of sadistic abuse and assault to the Constitution, but details had been withheld from the public.
When asked by reporters if he was innocent, Bush replied simply, “no”. He then added cryptically that the Constitution’s death was “not what it seems to be.”
The White House seemed determined not to allow the president’s confession to get in the way of preserving the NSA’s warrantless wiretapping program and the ongoing rape of the deceased Constitution. “We’re going to do everything we can do in the courts to allow this to continue,” stated Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.