Bush Confirms Death of Osama Bin Laden

Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush early this morning confirmed rumors of the death of Osama bin Laden, stating that, reluctantly, Bin Laden had died at the hands of foreign interrogators, not affiliated with the CIA. Bush stated that the CIA had been working fairly closely with the unnamed foreign government agency, but assumed no responsibilities for the treatment of Bin Laden.

Bush displayed pictures of the deceased bin Laden and stated that the body would be released to family members in time for full respect of Muslim burial customs, perhaps seeking to soften an anticipated backlash from Islamic extremists.

Rumors of Bin Laden’s death had been spreading among major news associations today, citing sources from Saudi Arabia and France who had suggested that he had died earlier this month from typhus. The White House stated that it was simply trying to keep the record straight, while critics pointed to the announcement as possibly an effort to rebuke criticism over the administration’s perceived lack of concern over Bin Laden and Al Qaeda prior to this November’s coming election.

“While this administration does not condone torture of any type,” stated Bush, “this evil killer seems to have gotten what he deserved… the Lord, or Allah works in mischievous ways. This just further illustrates the need for Congress to whip into shape and pass this administration’s anti-terror legislation. Who knows what kind of useful information we could have gotten from him if his interrogation had been done right.”

Bush brushed off questions of the announcement as being an anticipated “October Surprise” for the coming elections. “Well, he didn’t really last until October, now did he?” Bush quipped with reporters, “We finally got number one, and we’re looking forward to the next one… bring ’em on.”

The administration refused to answer questions as to how long Bin Laden had been in the custody of the unnamed foreign security agency, or what, if any information, Bin Laden had given up, citing security concerns.