Bush Demonstrates Determination to Continue Unconstitutional Wiretaps: Requires Sutures

Washington, DC (APE) – In a rare, and seemingly unscripted question and answer session with White House reporters, President Bush yesterday admitted to over 30 instances of illegal wiretaps since 2001. He petulantly insisted to reporters present that his actions were justified, and that he will indeed continue the behavior, citing national security concerns.

In multiple references, Mr. Bush cited classified cases in which the wiretaps had saved millions of lives. The president also had very harsh words for the New York Times in regards to its recent divulging of the existence of his double secret illegal program. Bush pointed out that this was sending the wrong message to terrorists who were stupid enough to assume that America hadn’t been monitoring their activities by all means possible all along.

Bush became slightly agitated towards the end of the conference when fielding a question over the FBI’s recently revealed illegal monitoring of domestic peace activists, protest groups, and other environmental and animal rights activist groups. “The enemy is just biding its time and waiting for the right opportunity to attack us again,” stated the president. “At least that’s what we’re hearing… these are evil killers who are trying to play mind games on us all, and on some of our own citizens it seems to be working.”

Bush then reached under the podium from which he was speaking and produced an empty aluminum drinking can and smashed it against his forehead for emphasis. He stated, “This is the message that I would send to Al Qaeda and anybody here in America who wants to cause us harm… you will be crushed.” Very shortly afterwards the president started bleeding profusely from a 3 cm laceration, abruptly ending the press conference. The laceration reportedly required seven sutures to close, and was performed under topical anesthetic at the White House.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that the president tolerated the procedure well and was resting. He insisted that at no point had the president lost consciousness and there had been no need for a transfer of powers to Vice President Cheney who was visiting in Afghanistan. He stated that even if the president had lost consciousness there was no conflict in leadership with the vice president out of the country as Karl Rove had remained in the White House all along.