New Orleans, LA (Rotters) – President Bush was briefly assaulted today by a hurricane Katrina survivor at a photo opportunity outside of an eating establishment in New Orleans. The president was described as dazed and confused but otherwise not permanently injured. His assailant, a woman, was briefly taken into custody by Secret Service personnel and later released. The White House scrambled to explain how the woman had gotten past their screening procedures, and were deliberating over possibly pressing charges.
The woman, a 30-year-old African-American female, who wished to remain anonymous, was later interviewed by reporters.
“There was nothing devious here,” she stated. “I went to the event as a long-standing Republican and supporter of the president. I listened to his talk and then he came out to shake hands with everyone. As I was shaking his hand, he sort of… ran into my knee. He ran into my knee three times. I just kind of went blank, I don’t know what came over me.”
The woman told reporters that she had lost her home in the devastated Ninth Ward, and that she continue to have faith that the federal government would “do the right thing” for the neighborhood and the city of New Orleans.
“The president is doing fine,” stated Press Secretary Tony Snow. “He is a little disappointed though. He was looking forward to a mountain bike workout tomorrow through a portion of the city in which a neighborhood filled with flood refuse has been reclaimed and turned into a challenging trail. His doctor has cautioned him against further aggravating the injury.”
White House critics have suggested that this woman represents a growing trend in the American electorate, which may represent a shakeup in the composition of the House and Senate come November.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, today speaking at the national convention of the American Legion in Salt Lake City Utah, bemoaned what he sees as the growing cowardice of the majority of America. Afterwards, he cited the president’s assault as an example to reporters of an increasing sense of “moral confusion” and terrorist propaganda infiltration.
“It’s a damn shame,” stated Rumsfeld. “We’d like to go to war with the Americans we want, and not the ones we’ve got.”