HEILIGENDAMM, Germany (Rotters) – White House sources traveling with the president today stated that he would be officially missing the final morning of the G-8 summit due to a stomach virus. They insisted that there was no cause for concern and that the president would be fit and ready for celebratory functions expected for the evening. An anonymous source for the White House entourage, however, stated that the president’s physician was quite concerned over his symptoms and that traces of the rare element Americium had been found in the president’s suite as well as in those of other European leaders.
The president’s morning illness provided a fitting end note for what critics are describing as possibly one of the worst performances of a US leader in history. Within the course of a week, Bush publicly rebuked various proposals in regards to global warming from two long-standing allies, Angela Merkel of Germany and Tony Blair of Great Britain. He was also publicly humiliated by former friend Vladimir Putin in regards to placement of a controversial missile shield in Poland.
Bush was noted to have spent an afternoon of fence mending with Russian leader Vladimir Putin in a relaxed and informal setting over drinks yesterday. Putin reportedly objected vehemently to the president’s choice of beverages and instead offered another beverage of Russian origin be placed upon the table. The president reportedly agreed to his proposal but vowed to proceed to a predetermined line and no further without severe consequences.
In a bizarre development, according to an anonymous White House source, small quantities of Americium were discovered spirited away within the enclosures of smoke detectors at the president’s suite as well as those of other key leaders. The anonymous source for the White House stated that tests would be conducted upon Bush’s return home, and that his physician was concerned over the possibility of ingestion of the highly toxic radioactive element. Russian officials scoffed at the possibility of former KGB chief Putin’s involvement. The White House secretly urged that other G-8 officials be tested for Americium ingestion immediately.
The White House sought to minimize the president’s poor performance at the summit, stating that Bush had , “acquitted himself well during a misinformed intervention over global warming on the part of other attendees.”
“Everything always looks bad on the morning after,” stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. “It’s a major first step to get everyone to agree that there is a problem. We must now identify the enablers who allow other countries to continue their excessive consumption and destructive binges. There is some very serious denial that must be worked through here. We’re pleased that the world is now beginning to see the value in finding and seeking help from a higher power such as the United States.”