Washington, DC (Rotters) – In what the White House is describing as a newfound sense of bipartisanship and mercy, President Bush late today issued a full and complete pardon to accused “DC Madame” Deborah Palfrey. After examining thoroughly Ms. Palfrey’s responsibilities to her extended family and business, as well as her ongoing service to the community and the evidence she had presented upon her behalf, the president rendered his judgment that her potential punishment was far too severe for the crimes that she may have theoretically committed, and issued a pre-commutation from any future attempts at prosecution.
Under the terms of the pre-commutation deal, Ms. Palfrey handed over to the White House her controversial phone records which purportedly documented utilization of her “escort services” by very powerful and influential administration officials. The phone records were promptly sealed and classified as top secret “in the interests of national security”.
“This should go a long way towards silencing critics who are falsely accusing the president of not providing equal justice under the law in regards to the Scooter Libby pardon… err… commutation,” stated an aide to the third assistant to the secretary of White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. “The president and many members both inside and outside of the Cabinet deliberated long and hard on this one. While ultimately there was absolutely no evidence of any improprieties, it was felt that the country should be spared from the indignity of politically charged false accusations.”
“I’m just pleased to see the administration finally step forward and do me right,” stated Ms. Palfrey. “This is what is truly meant by the term executive privilege. There are certain confidentialities, not unlike that between a doctor and a patient, that are meant to be sacred. It’s a matter of professionalism.”
Critics immediately assailed the White House for what they described as yet another in a long list of abuses of power.
“If you’ll examine your constitution, the president is clearly within his rights,” argued newly reinstated staffer I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby. “It all falls under the concept put forth by our founding fathers of the unitary legislato-judiciary-executive. In essence, everyone ultimately serves at the pleasure of the president.”