Bush Pardons National Turkeys After Confessions

Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush provided an interesting twist to the traditional pardoning of the White House turkeys “May” and “Flower” today. To the delight of the hand-picked audience, he gave a demonstration of aggressive interrogation techniques, in particular the controversial procedure known as “water boarding”. He then invited children in attendance to come up and participate in the ceremony by holding the turkey down.

“Gentle, be gentle,” Bush extolled the children, as he poured water from a plastic military canteen over the black hooded head of the sputtering bird.

“This is a little trick that my mom taught me,” Bush joked with the press in attendance. “I’ve seen a lot of tough old bird’s in my time, but this softens ’em right up. You can add a little melted butter to your water, and you got yourself a self-baster.”

Bush concluded on a serious note: “I hope this puts to rest all of those nasty stories out there. This is a useful, and humane technique… America doesn’t torture.”

The White House later revealed to the press that the two turkeys would eventually find their way to Disney World to live out their natural lives in a petting zoo… provided that the information obtained from May, aka ‘Maia Hussein’, proved to be useful. May confessed to her handlers after the ceremony that she and Flower had attended an Al Qaeda in America training camp near the turkey farm in Indiana where they were born and raised.