Bush Plans Military Assault on Enceladus

Lame Duck President George W. Bush announced today that before his administration is finished he will conduct a preemptive strike on the Saturn moon Enceladus.

The President was informed by NASA officials that Enceladus may actually be an alien outpost as they are unable to explain how the planet is able to maintain a 6 Gigawatt power source without some sort of intelligent life. Also, the Cassini-Huygens probe, which has been circling the tiny planet, reveals it has plenty of liquid water, an oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere, rich in hydrocarbons and many similar conditions to Earth.

“We must destroy the Enceladeans before they destroy us!” Bush said in a speech this afternoon. “The Enceladeans are coming here and stealing our water and other resources. It’s only a matter of time before they try to eliminate the planet. Therefore, I have ordered a preemptive strike against them to secure the future of America and the planet Earth”.

NASA spokesperson Bruce Buckingham tried to assure the President that there is no evidence of any threat from the tiny moon.

“That didn’t stop me from invading Iraq!” the President responded harshly.