Bush Promotes Ethanol for Nation's Problems

Raleigh, NC (APE) – President George W. Bush yesterday took a tour of Novozymes North America Inc. a manufacturer of enzymes designed to harvest ethanol from various renewable resources. Bush touted ethanol as an answer to virtually all of America’s problems, from oil independence to all controversies both foreign and domestic. Bush then took a quick jaunt via Marine one to tour another ethanol distillery in nearby Tennessee to emphasize the point.

“Some mistakes have been made,” stated Bush. “If I had known some things then that I know now, perhaps things would have been different and I wouldn’t have to have been as aggressive with promoting the benefits of ethanol. It’s amazing how far the science has come. They’re even getting ethanol out of kudzu in North Carolina… it has a real spice to it but it goes down pretty smooth.”

Bush finished his whirlwind domestic agenda tour with a stop in New Orleans to meet up with wife Lara and promote the administration’s campaign for health care reform. The Bushes toured a number of hospitals devastated by hurricane Katrina and then made a brief appearance at a Mardi Gras celebration on Bourbon Street.

Bush took the opportunity to laud drug manufacturer Merck Inc. upon the rollout of its human papilloma virus vaccination called Gardisil. “I want to thank Merk for all that it has contributed to the health of America, and the pioneering work that Texas Governor Rick Perry has done in making the vaccine mandatory for all school-age girls,” stated Bush. When questioned further by reporters, Bush stated that he had received assurances from Governor Perry that the over $11,000 in donations to Perry and eight state lawmakers from Merk, Inc. had been put to good use.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice also made a Mardi Gras appearance but instead, at a carnival parade in Berlin Germany. Rice was in Germany to arouse support for the US position of increasing sanctions upon Iran for its failure to abide by a UN Security Council resolution condemning its nuclear aspirations.

Rice met with the Foreign Ministers from Russia and Germany as well as the EU foreign policy chief to discuss ways to deal with the Iranian government’s insistence upon pursuing uranium enrichment. “We have a common goal of enticing Iran back to the bargaining table. Anything is on the table.”

Meanwhile, in Washington, the White House appeared to be breathlessly anticipating the outcome of the Scooter Libby perjury trial. In a surprise move early this morning the jury sent a note to Judge Reggie Walton requesting to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney, who had been expected to testify. They also requested that Libby be placed in temporary custody over fears that he might become a flight risk prior to the conclusion of their deliberations. Walton admonished the jury over the request for the audience with the vice president stating that it was legally inappropriate, but granted the request for the detention of Libby.

Many in Washington feel that the outcome of the Libby trial represents a symbolic judgment over the Bush administration’s making of the case for war in Iraq. The trial itself has subjected the administration’s machinations in the lead up to the war in Iraq to embarrassing public exposure. President Bush famously, at the time, insisted that anyone in the administration leaking the identity of Valerie Plame would be dismissed. The president has since refused to comment, stating that the trial is ongoing, but has repeatedly assured the public that he has taken a personal hand into the issue of leaking at the White House.