Bush: "Put Santa on Terrorist Watch List!"

(Washington, D.C.) The Washington Post today released sections of a memo from George Bush to Directors of Homeland Security and CIA, Michael Cherthoff and Michael Hayden that was written on November 19, 2007. It begins, “I just pardoned the turkey (The President is speaking not of Lewis Libby but the Thanksgiving turkey-editor’s note.), and it got me to thinking that I was able to save this noble bird but a bigger threat looms…a bearded menace who has access to the hearts and minds of our youth through the chimneys of this great land.”

The memo goes. “It gives me cause to shake my head, not just once but a lot, that previous administrations have turned a blind ear and deaf eye to this yearly breech of security.” The President then makes some suggestions to rectify this through normal channels apparently in order to mitigate public outcry. “Can the FAA declare that his sleigh isn’t air worthy or maybe the NSA could tap his phone lines to see if, in fact, gifts are being given out to terror friendly countries?” Further in the memo, a hint is given that the current President may have learned something from his father, former CIA head George Bush, and the first President Bush. “Haymaker, (This is the President’s nickname for CIA head Michael Hayden-editor’s note.) maybe we could also examine the feasibility of some of those lead tainted toys finding their way into the stockings hanging by the terrorist fireplaces and thereby smear him?”

Reaction to the leaked memo has been swift, expansive and formed unexpected alliances. Both Wal-Mart and Kmart, two staunch supporters of the Republican values of child off shore labor and associate vests instead of health care, issued a joint statement, full-page ads in all major U.S. papers and for some reason commercial spots on Al Jazeera. In part the ads state, “We in no way believe that Santa Claus is terrorist friendly, since all our associate elves are thoroughly checked out by us, and they wouldn’t work for such a person. It’s for that reason that we want to say Santa will be by to visit you, wherever you are or whatever religion you practice with discounts that will make you say, “By Allah, that’s a deal. Give me two!”

In a reaction to this, Osama bin Laden has issued a fatwah against both companies and George Bush for “defaming Allah and the noble, corpulent Imam Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night!

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