Bush Refuses to Declassify Mobile WMD Lab Report Cited By Washington Post

Washington, DC (Rotters) – The Washington Post today published an article implicating the Bush administration in yet another incident of massaged intelligence to justify the Iraq War, this time revisiting the phony claims long maintained by administration officials of Saddam’s “Mobile WMD Labs”. The Post talked with initial investigation team members who were actually flown to Iraq on a clandestine mission to examine trailers which the administration wished to tout as evidence of Saddam’s WMD in May of 2003. The team published a report on May 27, 2003 which unanimously refuted the trailers’ function, two days before the president launched a series of administration speeches claiming the trailers as proof of Saddam’s biological WMD program, and therefore justification for the invasion of Iraq. The team members remained anonymous for fear of career repercussions.

The President early this morning went on the offensive in addressing the new old charges in a hastily called press conference. He appeared very calm and almost flippant, given the gravity of the situation. In it he stated that he would not be declassifying the 122 page report which could shed light on the anonymous team members’ claims. He also stated that Alberto Gonzales would be launching a criminal investigation and issuing a subpoena to the involved Washington Post reporters demanding that they reveal their sources.

“When will you folks understand that we’re not playing around, here,” Bush joked. “National Security is nothing to be taken lightly. As the fortunes of the President go, so goes those of America.”

“Yes, we were aware of the claims that the trailers were just used to manufacture hydrogen,” Bush continued, “but hydrogen is dangerous. Surely you have all heard of the hydrogen bomb. And… come on… hydrogen for peaceful purposes… weather balloons? They don’t have any weather in Iraq… just lots of wind and sand. And hydrogen as an alternative fuel… look at all the oil we’ve… er… he had. I’m sorry, but that dog just won’t roll over and play dead.”

“We’re now pretty certain that in fact these were Mobile Crystal Meth Labs, which were just as dangerous,” Bush claimed. “It really explains a lot about Saddam and his sons if you think about it.”

Bush concluded, “We’re at war here, folks and this unauthorized leaking has got to stop. I pledge to you that these intellectual villains will be caught and punished.”