Washington, DC (Rotters) – In a stunning break with tradition, President Bush refused to pardon the National Thanksgiving Turkey and its alternate today at the official pardoning ceremony in the Rose Garden. The birds were named Democracy and Freedom by voting results from an online poll at the White House website. Also present for the ceremony were administration officials Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, and Vice President Dick Cheney.
The press in attendance were shocked as the President then personally carried out the sentence himself, producing a Katana sword which he had received as a gift from Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi during his visit last week. The execution was swift and clean, and Democracy and Freedom’s deaths appeared instantaneous and without further suffering.
After cleaning off a bit of blood spatter, the President offered a few words:
“My fellow Americans. This is indeed a violent, but necessary lesson for us all. We must be forever ready to act swiftly in defense of America lest this be the sword of terror which comes quietly in the night after our own Democracy and Freedom. As we all begin to debate the virtues of a war that we did not ask for around the holiday table, let us keep this in mind. Debate is a good thing, but in this season of Thanksgiving, let it be over how best to serve Democracy and Freedom to the rest of the world, and white or dark should all be equal. Let this symbolic act show the world how America will continue to deal with terrorist threats. Let us all be thankful that this administration will continue to plot a steady course for our brave sons and daughters in Iraq as well as those suffering at home as the result of natural disaster in these times of abundant fear. Thank you, and have a blessed Thanksgiving Day”
Scott McClellan spoke to reporters afterwards and said, “As the healthy debate over the war in Iraq evolves, it is important for you to know that just as in the natural disaster of Katrina, this administration had made no insidious plans. There was no planning at all, and to suggest so is as Vice President Cheney has suggested just ‘morally reprehensible’. We hope America will keep the fears for their loved ones as well as the fears of the terrorist attack which will surely come if we just cut and run in mind over this holiday season.”
When a reporter asked if the President wasn’t afraid of the appearances of this public execution, McClellan responded, “Ah, yes… bird flu. America can rest assured that while the virus actually surfaced here in America some months ago, pending confirmation it was kept a secret. No chances were taken with the President, however, and he had taken a dose of Tamiflu from the White House stockpile yesterday in anticipation of today’s risk of exposure.”
Another reporter pointed out that Disneyland would now be without its Grand Marshals for the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade after the demise of Democracy and Freedom. McClellan smiled and said, “The administration is way ahead on that one. The President will be pardoning Scooter Libby and Karl Rove, and they have agreed to perform in this capacity.”