Washington, DC (APE) – In what appeared to be an apparently innocent attempt at keeping Chinese President Hu Jintao from descending the wrong set of stairs off of a platform yesterday at a ceremony on the South lawn of the White House, President Bush grabbed the sleeve of Jintao’s jacket, accidentally ripping it, and revealing it to be a cheap Chinese knock-off of a $5,000 custom tailored Italian suit. The Chinese president appeared very flustered but was able to maintain an outwardly calm demeanor. Anonymous White House sources, however, revealed that Jintao was privately enraged afterwards.
Possibly adding insult to injury, just prior to the sleeve ripping incident, White House Secret Servicemen detained a heckler later identified as Wang Wenji who had infiltrated the ceremony utilizing her credentials as a reporter. As the Chinese president began to speak, she began yelling, “President Hu, your days are numbered. President Bush make him stop persecuting Falun Gong.”
According to senior administration officials, Bush apologized profusely for the dual insult to Hu, saying: “This was unfortunate, I’m sorry this happened.”
The Secret Service was scheduled to charge Wenji with disorderly conduct, but President Bush intervened on behalf of Jintao and turned Wenji over to the custody of the Chinese President’s security detail. In a hastily arranged proceeding, Wenji was executed at dawn this morning on the South lawn of the White House with the traditional, efficient single bullet to the head used in China. In keeping with the Chinese tradition, Bush assured Jintao that Wenji’s surviving family members would be assessed the cost of the bullet.
White House historians were fairly certain that this was the first on premises execution in the brief history of the White House.
Bush was scheduled for further rounds of meetings with Jintao today, designed to present the public appearance of toughness while placating the Chinese president in private in an effort to gain assurances that he would not pull the plug on the American economy.