Bush Rushes to Aid of 13 Trapped Coal Miners

Tallmansville, WV (APE) – “We believe in miracles in West Virginia,” said governor Joe Manchin, “I haven’t given up hope. I have to say though, that it’s pretty amazing that the President has shown up so quickly here.” President Bush yesterday made a surprise appearance via Marine one to Tallmansville, West Virginia at the scene of an apparent coal mine collapse which has trapped 13 miners underground.

Spokesmen for the governor said that all help was welcome, and they were happy with the gift of high-tech listening devices from the Bush administration. They further stated that the rapidity of the administration’s response was almost psychic, with the president appearing even before e-mails critical of the Federal disaster response had a chance to be read by their state and local government recipients.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, “We calculated that this rescue effort had a high probability for success, and we felt it was a good opportunity for the public to have a demonstration of the effectiveness of the President’s secret domestic monitoring program, and its ability to aid in disaster relief. We’re doing a heck of a job.”

The mine itself had notably experienced an almost fourfold increase in safety violations over the past year, and some were quick to point out the ineffectiveness of federal agencies in enforcing the resulting penalties.

Bush later attempted to meet with hand-picked family members of the trapped miners at a local church, but none could be found in the largely Democratic and rural community.

An anonymous spokesman for the governor stated that the impoverished state of West Virginia would now be wrestling with paying for the bill for security for the president’s three-hour visit.