Bush Sends Christmas Greetings to Troops by Phone

Washington, DC (Rotters) – After an exhaustive search of over 200,000 troops serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other overseas locations the Pentagon was able to locate a handful of servicemen and women who were willing to talk with the president and receive his Christmas greetings to them. The president spoke in a conference call via phone from Camp David, Maryland, dressed as Santa to mark the occasion. The following are highlights of his inspirational messages to the troops:

President: “Merry Christmas everybody! What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas? Heh, heh… how’s your morale?”

PFC Elwood Jones (USMC, Anbar province, Iraq): “Who is this? This is a joke, right… this isn’t funny, you guys… I’m supposed to be off duty tonight…”

SPC Kelly Harwood (USA reserves, Green Zone, Baghdad): “Me? I just want to come home for Christmas…”

President: “Heh, heh… lots of times children want things that are unrealistic or not really good for them… it’s Santa’s job to sort of decide for them what’s best… I just want to thank you all for the outstanding job you’re doing for your country. I know it’s a tough call, but the American people sent me a pretty clear mandate in November that we should stay in Iraq and Afghanistan until the job’s done, and pretty soon we’ll be sending you some fresh meat… heh, heh… a few more boots on the ground to help out.”

LT Daniel Levitan (USArmy Special Forces, Kandahar, Afghanistan): “I just want a surge protector…”

PFC Alvin Seville (USMC, Camp Liberty, Baghdad):
“Morales?!? How’s Morales?!? Morales bought it yesterday, you sick f***!…. They had us patrolling in those stupid Santa outfits… that white trim is an easy target in the middle of the night… who’s bright f****** idea was that? Morales was going home next month and now he’s gone…”

President: “Morale is important… it’s a good thing… it makes you feel good. It’s sort of like armor… it protects you… ya’ll need to know that you’re going to get the best morale that money can buy…”

Lt Levitan: “INCOMING….!!!”

President: “Did everybody get the fruitcakes we sent…?”

SPC Harwood:
“Our unit pooled all of ours and used them to protect the latrine… the other night Captain Fraggins was saved when they stopped a mortar…”

PFC Jones: “This is for real…? That’s the Chimp on the line…? I don’t care, somebody’s makin’ this time up for me…”

SPC Harwood: “… I talked to a guy the other day with EOD… he says they’ve been using them to blow up IEDs that they find…”

President: “Outstanding! Adapt and improvisation… Any messages you’d like to forward to your families…?

Lt Levitan: “I’m hit!!!…. Everything’ s going black… oh sweet Jesus… “

President: [sniffling, and wiping a tear from his eye] “That is just so touching… here’s a young man half-way around the world fighting for his country who shows us all what Christmas is all about… it’s all about Jesus… and sacrifice… and being crucified… Best of luck to you son, maybe we’ll be seeing you stateside really soon… I hope everybody got a chance to meet with my new point man Gates last week, and give him some of your thoughts… he’s got some great ideas about how to improve our operating systems in Iraq…”

PFC Seville: “Bill Gates is in charge now?!? What the f***… ?!? It’s not like the insurgents weren’t hacking into the local police and the Iraqi Army with Rumsfeld in charge… but now we’ve got to upgrade to Windows Vista… ?!?”

PFC Jones:
“Tell my mom and dad to call our senator and get us all out of this frackin’ hell hole now!”

President: “Heh, heh… looks like I’ve got one more for the naughty list… America will thank me someday for those little lumps of American coal in their stocking if we leave before the job’s done and the oil dries up… Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukah from the proud citizens of the United States of America.”

CPT Karl Roverton (USA PSYOPS, Undisclosed Location): “I want to personally sum up the thoughts of all the brave fighting men and women around the world in the US armed services, and personally thank you for all your vision for the future and commitment to peace and Democracy for the world through superior firepower… God bless you Mr. President.”

President: “Thanks, Karl.”

The White House issued a statement praising the morale of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, insisting that it was far from dead. A spokesperson stated that Mr. Bush would be having a working celebration of Christmas at Camp David with family, friends, and cabinet members. He is expected to put finishing touches to his highly anticipated “Way Forward” strategy for Iraq after close consultations with Barney, Mrs. Beasley, and first lady Laura Bush.