Bush Signs Interrogation Legislation, Issues Signing Statement

Washington, DC (Rotters) – President Bush today signed into law controversial legislation which allows the United States to thumb its nose at conventional definitions of torture established by the Geneva Convention and admit into evidence the fruits of extreme interrogation as well as hearsay. Praising the bill as a landmark historic moment in the war on terror, Bush also issued a traditional signing statement designed to widen the definition of “enemy combatant”.

Citing the case of American citizen Mohammed Munaf, currently being held under a death sentence by Iraqi authorities, Bush stressed the need for widespread dissemination of this legislation into domestic law enforcement. “Without the ability to introduce hearsay,” stated Bush, “this terrorist killer might have gone free. The growing immoral minority of defeatist terrorist sympathizers within the Democratic Party and America need to understand that there will be severe consequences for their actions. This is a war that I’m committed to winning at all costs.”

In one of his longest signing statements to date, Bush outlined his own personal definitions for being declared as an enemy combatant. They included anti-government protests, derogatory websites, inflammatory T-shirts, and more importantly, suspicions from trusted friends and neighbors. Bush also outlined a major overhaul of the U.S. Constitution over his final two years in office with the support of the Supreme Court.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow explained afterwards, “The war on terror has expanded and it’s becoming a little harder to tell if we’re actually winning or not. Enemy propaganda has become incredibly sophisticated and has made some inroads into collective unconscious thought. These are just the tools that we will need to be able to stave off the threats to our country.”