Shocking competitors and awing fans, President George W. Bush successfully orated a speech today and did not include notorious “Bushisms,” his garbling of common words and phrases. “I was very pleased with how well President Bush handled his speech,” reports Elaine Bradley, one of Bush’s speech writers. “I told him a trick I learnt in grade four: breathe deeply, speak slowly, and guide your finger under the words to help you read better.” The advice apparently worked: there were no flubs in Bush’s grammar, syntax, or body language.
Bradley is not the only one rejoicing over Bush’s newfound mastery of the English language: Laura, Bush’s wife, is also elated. “I knew Georgie had it in him to overcome that one hurdle!” Laura gushed. “Sometimes, before bed, I’d go over his speeches with him to make sure he understood all the big words, but that didn’t seem to work because we’d end up playing ‘Teacher and Her Naughty Student.’ But I guess our sessions paid off. The upcoming election will now be a shoo-in!”
Leonard Hastings, a Republican and staunch Bush supporter, was very proud of the President’s success. “George W. has finally shown the world he is a competent speaker! Although I didn’t approve of some of the decisions he has made over the past year, namely wanting to squelch stem cell research, but after that amazing oratory, he has not only my vote, but my wife, Aileen, is also voting Republican!” Aileen could not be reached for comment regarding her decision to switch political parties based on one allocution.
Bush’s primary adversary, John Kerry, offered calm words of reproach, yet seemed uneasy. “True, what really moves the people is a powerful speaker, but the one flawless speech cannot overshadow the grave errors President Bush has committed over the past four years: his extended vacation times, allowing the attacks of September 11 to become fruitful, having Osama bin Laden still at large. Now, I would make a much better president since I would not make those same kinds of errors and I speak correctly all the time! Please, people, don’t be swayed by this one speech!” Kerry then fled in tears.
When asked to comment on his superb delivery, Bush burbled, “This is the dawning of a new era! In all of my four years of presidency, I had not felt more secure and comfortable up at the podium. The speech was brilliantly written for starters, the crowd was right, and everything just felt great. Plus, I tried a trick daddy [former President George Bush] used to use: imagine the crowd in their underwear. It worked a little too well, though: I almost started giggling, thinking of all those men and women sitting down, listen to me talk, all in their under things! But rest assured: this winning streak with speeches and English in general is far from over. I think it’s safe to say John Kerry, Al Gore, my English teachers, they all misunderestimated me. Ah, shit.”