Bush Tasks Congress with Increasing Science Education Funding to Further "Spread Love"

Aurora, IL (Rotters) – President Bush, on Saturday, devoted part of a two-day trip to Illinois to a local community college to tout proposals for increasing the federal government’s expenditures on science education. Accompanied by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he visited an innovative program to retrain high school dropouts as medical technicians.

“Clearly the answer to America’s health-care problems,” stated the president, “is to cut costs wherever possible. Many of the more routine procedures in a doctor’s office don’t require a real understanding of the sciences behind them. It’s not rocket science. It’s more like factory or peace work. If it can be done cheaper, the hospitals and doctors offices will have more profits which will lead to better health care.”

Senator Frist, a physician from Tennessee, praised the president’s initiatives. “I always felt that the president was right on the mark when he described practicing medicine as “spreading love”. The program that they have developed here will enable anyone to be able to spread their own love, freeing the doctor for more important things, such as practicing preventative medicine against the evils of abortion, birth control, and the epidemic of premarital sex. In turn, we will all be blessed by a decrease in the rate of sexually transmitted diseases.”

The rigorous two week medical technician training program developed by the community college in Aurora offers high school dropouts intensive training in the mechanics of performing routine lab procedures such as gynecological exams. In addition, the trainees receive extensive instruction in the practice of abstinence as birth control.

The two-day visit to Illinois kicked off a concerted effort by the White House to surgically alter tragically failed policy initiatives and make them more presentable to the American public in the run-up to this fall’s crucial election.

Democratic Senator John Kerry berated the administration for what he called continued attempts at “selling snake oil” to the American voter. “This is legislative malpractice of the highest order,” stated Kerry, “it is nothing more than pseudoscientific “pap”, and a “smear” on the integrity of the federal government.”