Bush to Al-Zawahiri in State of the Union: "…missiles will smoke your ass"

(Washington, D.C.) The latest videotape of Al Qaeda second banana Ayman al-Zawahiri will be mentioned in President Bush’s State of the Union speech tonight, according to the office of White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.

In a written media release, McClellan touched upon the tone of but stopped short of actual content of the passage. “The President is mulling over something Texan, like ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but missiles will smoke your ass.'” The statement further went on to say that “the President may not rule out including his own form of psychological chess playing by answering al-Zawahiri’s ‘do you know where I am’ with ‘okay, I give up; I don’t know where you are; tell me.’ But this strategy still needs to be vetted by Vice President Dick Cheney.”

In his recent videotape, al-Zawahiri went on to call Bush a “loser”. The President was quick to address that remark in an afternoon press conference. “Well, maybe this guy didn’t get the paper. I know those caves are RFD routes. But I won the election. Or maybe he’s a Democrat.” After a deafening silence met the “Democrat” remark, the President was quick to recover. “Of course, I kid. The NSA knows where all the Democrats are.”

Bush was then asked if he would, in fact, use part of his State of the Union address to attempt to draw out either al-Zawahiri or the splendid splinter of jihad Osama Bin Laden. “I can’t say I will or I won’t. But one thing I definitely won’t do is let this taunting bother me. Anyone who knows my military record knows that when it comes to hiding, I wrote the book. So if he thinks he can find a place to hide that I didn’t think of from 1966-1968, think again Al-Z.”

While the President wouldn’t comment on the exact message to al-Zawahiri, Bush did say that he had consulted with comedy writer and recent VH1 Celebrity Fit Club 3 cast member Bruce Vilanch on some well placed barbs for al-Zawahiri. Bush then gave examples. “Hey al-Zawahiri, Gorbachev called. He wants his birthmark back.” And, “Did you hear about the Polish Muslim suicide bomber, who doesn’t blow himself up?”

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