Bush To Announce Capture of Osama Bin Laden on 911 Anniversary

Unconfirmed sources report that the CIA has captured terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden. Bin Laden was apparently captured three months ago in a secret raid deep into the tribal areas of Pakistan. The CIA has had Bin Laden in a secret Afghan prison and has been interviewing him with ‘alternative methods’. The CIA has apparently been instructed to keep his capture secret until the President could announce it at a politically advantages time.

Military sources close to the operation confirm that Osama Bin Laden was captured in a special forces raid on a remote mountain hideaway. Osama had been living with a family of goat herders in a tiny one room mud brick home. He was apparently unarmed and didn’t even have a single body guard. He was taken by helicopter to a secret CIA facility in Afghanistan where he is apparently still being questioned.

The White House was immediately informed of the capture and imposed quarantine on all personnel who had knowledge of the capture. It was decided that the news of the capture would only be released when it could be used to achieve the maximum political benefit for the President and the Republican party. The news of Osama Bin Laden’s capture would be announced on the anniversary of 911 and in the heat of the midterm elections.

“You have to hand it to the President, his handlers really know how to put on a show.” Says Washington insider Clint Gerschorne. “I was amazed when the President started taking about Osama Bin Laden again. I mean, the failure of Bush to capture Bin Laden is such a black mark on his Presidency you’d think he’d never talk about it. Which he hasn’t, till now. It makes perfect sense now. Of course he is going to mention Bin Laden 17 times in one speech, they have him. It’s brilliant. Truly brilliant.”

“If it’s true this spells big trouble for the Democrats.” Says pundit Andrew Carlson. “Catching Osama Bin Laden will make the midterm elections a walk for the Republicans. They will prove to the nation that even though it took five years, half a trillion dollars, 3000 lives, and two wars, they got their man.”