Bush to Troops: Thanks for Dying for My Mistakes

George W. Bush, speaking at California’s Camp Pendleton, asked Americans to “Support our Troops”. In a speech to the assembled soldiers Mr. Bush said, “Americans need to give our troops the support they need. We in the government would like to support them, but I gave away all of the governments money and then some in the first term, so we in Washington can’t really afford to support our troops anymore. So, we’re asking all Americans to bring covered dishes, you know, like casseroles to their nearest military base to help feed the troops. And bullets. If any of you guys have some bullets or spare flak jackets that would be helpful. Cash too…the soldiers always need cash. Hell, I could use some myself, heh, heh.”

The President’s plea for Americans to make more sacrifices marks a turnaround for the Administration. It will be remembered that in the wake of September 11th and the during the initial attack on Afghanistan Mr. Bush urged American citizens to go shopping and out to dinner citing the fact that if Americans denied themselves their creature comforts then, “the Terrorists will have won.” In the Camp Pendleton speech, which was given on December 7th, the sixty third anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor, Mr. Bush alluded to Democratic President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s calls for sacrifice, tacitly admitting that the Iraq War is turning out to be as long and hard a slog as World War II was. Of course in that war, Japan was the one who attacked preemptively and we all know how well that worked out for them.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “You know, it’s weird. Before the election we in the Administration had no idea that the War was going badly. If we did, of course we would have told the American people. We also thought that jobs creation was up, the dollar was strong, the environment was in good shape and the rest of the world loved us. Things started to change, oh, I don’t know…the minute John Kerry conceded the election. September and October jobs numbers were revised downward, the Euro became the currency of choice, Iraq fell apart, nobody seems to like us anymore and of course Alaska is melting and polar bears will be extinct by 2010. So, in a real way all of these bad things can be traced back to John Kerry.”

John Kerry, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” I told you fucking idiots in the Red States that we were in trouble, but did you listen? Noooo. Now you’ve kept a President that has preemptively aborted thousands of Iraqi children by blowing up their mothers and fathers, you’ll all probably die of diseases that stem cell research might have cured like skin cancer due to ozone depletion and you won’t be able to afford Chinese slave manufactured goods cause your money is worthless. Congratulations you bozo’s and Happy New Year.”