Bush Turns Down the Heat on His New Energy Policy

(Day 1,573 of the End of Civilization As We Know It)
The Administration of George W. Bush has released a series of five new energy proposals designed to help the United States through its current energy crisis. The proposals, while modest, do show the American people how much the President cares about his subjects and feels their pain.

Mr. Bush, speaking at one of his last ” Let’s Gut Social Security!” rallies addressed the crowd of hand picked Republicans and laid out his new “Five Easy Steps to Surviving The End of Days” plan. Realizing that since he first started explaining his plan to force Americans to put a portion of their retirement funds into the stock market in order to pay back his big corporate campaign donors support for his ideas have actually dropped eleven points to 45%, the President has decided to try focus his Legacy Quest on something else. The collapse of civilization as we know it seems as good a place as any to start.

To the applause of the wildly cheering crowd who had no idea what he was talking about but were prepared to support anything a fellow Conservative Christian had to say, Mr. Bush listed the Five Easy Steps in his speech:

” First: Eat a lot of cold food. Cooking your meals, especially meats like beef, pork and chicken can really eat up gas or electricity. We in the Administration have always thought the threat of salmonella and trichinosis were always over rated. Think about it, how many of your friends and neighbors have actually died from eating bad food? Besides, what’s a couple of days of wretching, vomiting and diareahha when you’re fighting the evil effects of terrorists, who in this case are the Democrats that keep trying to stop me from drilling in ANWAR, Colorado the rest of our great and scenic western states?

Second: Coats and sweaters. Many Americans foolishly turn the heat up in their homes the minute the temperature drops below freezing when the problem could just as easily be solved by putting on three or four sweaters and several pairs of socks. A simple rule of thumb is that if you can’t see your breath is you’re not close to death.

Third: Don’t read so much. A forty watt light bulb uses twice the electricity of a television set. so shut off the lights, cuddle up with your family under several blankets and watch the tube; the Republican National Committee and The Christian Coalition websites have a list of approved television programs.

Fourth: Make sure the tires on your Hummers and other SUV’s are properly inflated. Nothing decreases gas mileage like a low tire. This could mean the difference between ten miles and ten and a half miles to the gallon. Over your lifetime that can add up to a thousand gallons saved, gas that can be used to power four wheelers, jet ski’s and chainsaws.

Fifth: Use all our old military bases to build nuclear power plants. You can’t depend on wind or solar power. Sometimes the wind doesn’t blow and it always gets dark at night, but nuclear fuel just goes on and on. Nevada’s a big state so storage of spent fuel rods isn’t a problem and just think about the economic benefits of having a nuclear power plant in your backyard. Not to mention, the closer you are to the reactor the quicker you’ll get your electricity, not like those poor schmucks outside the danger zone. Some people worry about the effects of a melt down and fallout, but sometimes it can take years for radiation poisoning to kill you. Anyway, Americans should be willing to give theirs and their families lives for freedom from foreign oil. So, in closing, please remember, ask not what your country can do for you because we’re not planning on doing anything for anyone but ourselves. Thank you and goodnight.”