Peabody, Massachusetts (APE) – President Bush today made a visit to flood devastated areas in Massachusetts, but balked at declaring them a disaster area. The president also declared the day as the new greatest day of his presidency as he landed a 30 pound “snake head” at the corner of Autumn and Main streets in downtown Peabody, Massachusetts. The president expressed some nostalgia for his return to New England, location of his early childhood.
Parts of New England have received upwards of 1 foot of rain over the past week and flood waters have only begun receding just in the past 24 hours. Bush declared the situation well under control and gave FEMA an A+ for its performance in that there had been no deaths reported as yet. “The levies seem to have held up quite well”, stated Bush.
Dismissing public concerns over the department with a new hurricane season rapidly approaching, Bush specifically complimented FEMA on its flawless performance with having all necessary hunting and fishing permits in order before his arrival. The White House was reportedly pleased with the fact that there was not a repeat of the scandalous episode of the vice president’s hunting accident earlier this year when it was discovered that he did not have the required permits.
Bush pledged to the citizens of Massachusetts that he would do what he could to expedite federal disaster aid despite the fact that they overwhelmingly did not vote for him in the past election. He stated that he would free up as many as possible of the Massachusetts National Guard currently reassigned and stationed along the US-Mexico border to address widespread fears of looting developing.