Bush Vows to Overturn Clinton Foundation's "No Child Fat Behind" Initiative

Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush fought back sharply today against what he described as “misguided strong-arming of American corporations” by former President Clinton. He stated that America was a country of choice, free will, and personal responsibility, and that this extended even to middle school and elementary school children. His remarks came on the heels of an announcement yesterday of a brokered agreement achieved by former President Clinton with the country’s major soft drink manufacturers that would allow for the banning of sales of sodas and other high sugar content drinks in public schools.

“While I think that former President Clinton probably meant no harm,” stated Bush, “this agreement is both unneeded and overly punitive to American soft drink manufacturers. I have heard the complaints from the manufacturers of Coca-Cola and Pepsi, and Archer Daniels.”

Bush went on to explain that unintended consequences of the deal would affect corn production, and thus corn syrup and sugar in the US. He stated that this would have the further effect of diverting too much corn production into the fledgling alternative energy programs, making ethanol production much too cheap and ruining its profitability.

Bush also stated that the agreement threatened corporate sponsorships and financial supports for his controversial “No Child Left Behind” educational reform initiatives. Bush’s program has long been criticized as an unfunded mandate, and soft drink sales to elementary and middle schoolers along with critical market exposure were expected to provide needed financial backing to the program.

“We have entirely too many children taking drugs such as Ritalin to help them cope with school,” stated Bush. “Caffeine is a much cheaper and more readily administered substitute. Sending the message to children at such an early age that they have no choice in the matter is just wrong. How else will they learn the concept of personal responsibility?”

Bush concluded by saying that there would be a planned emergency meeting of Senate and House Republican leadership later today to draft legislation as quickly as possible to address the perceived crisis.