Outgoing U.S. President George W. Bush proudly announced today that the United States has won the war on drugs and all illegal drugs have been eliminated from the country.
“None of our efforts have been in vain”, the president declared during a televised news conference. “The war on drugs has ended and we, the American people, have proven victorious!”
The President declared that thanks to law enforcement methods, spraying of crops in other countries, rehabilitation of past offenders and Bible school tutoring there are no longer any addicts of illegal drugs in the United States. Also, drugs such as methamphetamines, Exstacy, cocaine, heroin, amphetamines and even marijuana have now been eliminated from the streets of America and from the American diet.
In addition, the crime rate in the United States has plummeted 84% as a direct result of the great success in the war on drugs.
The President thanked Michael Braun, Chief of Operations, U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration and Assistant Commissioner Raf Souccar, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, Federal and International Operations for their untiring efforts to wipe illegal drugs off the face of North America.
“Even though Souccar is not an American he has helped keep drugs from crossing the border into our country”, Bush said smiling.
Bush also thanks local law enforcement, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF), the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), Homeland Security, FBI, CIA, Secret Service, State Police Departments and, especially, John P. Walters, Drug Czar of the Office of National Drug Control Policy.
Bush stated that the $19 billion spent every year for the war on drugs has proven fruitful even beyond his wildest imagination.
The President says that prisons are now emptying out and many are even closing. Churches are filled to capacity every Sunday as new churches are being built. The economy has been jump-started as millions of American are going back to higher-paying jobs than they’ve ever had.
“Life will be a cakewalk for the new incoming Obama administration! Let this be my legacy!” Bush hoped.