The Sun, the star which the planet Earth circles and has done now for eons, has announced it’s plans to lay off 15% of it’s workforce. While it’s not certain exactly what workers on the Sun do, or how, for that matter, since one would think that they’d burn to a crisp the minute they showed up for work, the announcement was still greeted with dismay by investors and trade unions alike.
Speculation also focuses on the inevitable dimming of the star, as the workforce reduction seems to have nothing to do with a corresponding increase in worker-productivity, but is a result of the downturn in the financial market.
The Dow Jones tumbled on the news, erasing much of yesterday’s market gains. Sectors from solar energy panel to sun screen manufacturers were hit especially hard; however winter wear manufacturers such as North Face and L.L. Bean experienced slight gains. Shares in the Kamick Boot Company also rose on the news.
While Sun has always been highly secretive about it’s plans, speculation has always been that one of it’s main problems has been high worker turnover, due to the aforementioned burning to a crisp thing. However, unions have normally stood solidly behind the star; workers burning up on a daily basis reliably reduced the burdens on union healthcare plans and retirement accounts. This more than made up for the union dues lost by vaporized members, especially since the entry fees were, in the words of one official, “just pure freaking gravy”.
The Lame (duck) Administration of out-going American president George W. Bush has issued a statement claiming credit for erasing the effects of global warming, saying it’s fiscal policies had a direct relation to both the cooling economy and star.