Washington, DC (APE) – The White House has apparently pulled out all stops in its quest to halt the firestorm of Democratic led political reform, sweeping the nation ahead of the crucial November 7 midterm elections. The president has scheduled a firebreak of appearances through next week in hotspots throughout the nation, including Texas, Montana, Nevada, and Georgia, which are all threatening to turn blue.
Democrats today accused the White House of foul play, claiming that Bush has secretly outfitted Air Force One for the widespread high-altitude dispersal of “blame retardant” chemicals. The White House dismissed the accusations as merely a paranoid fantasy.
Air Force One has been observed recently in a number of both high altitude and crowd pleasing low passes to be releasing a seemingly harmless colorful red dye. Protesters at the president’s appearances have made claims of adverse reactions upon contact with the chemical. Complaints of headaches, nausea, and general malaise upon viewing or listening to Mr. Bush are apparently replaced with feelings of complacency, euphoria, and in some extreme cases, somnolence.
The White House insists that what is being disbursed is merely red smoke, similar to that seen in air shows and other aerial displays, and is meant as a display of bipartisan patriotism.
An independent laboratory has tested air samples from previous appearances, and while they maintain that the results are preliminary and inconclusive, traces of the drugs diazepam and fluoxetine have reportedly been found in significant concentrations.
“I don’t want you to think about the Democratic plans for success,” stated Bush at a rally in Indiana today. “They are in agreement on one thing… they want to make me leave before my job is done, and I will not let them.”