The gaggle of candidates vying for the Republican nomination for president in 2012 gathered once again, this time in Las Vegas, Nevada, for another round of debate last night. This time the moderator was CNN’s Anderson Cooper, who struggled mightily, but ultimately unsuccessfully, to rein in the candidates, who repeatedly spoke over each other and refused to answer the questions posed by Mr. Cooper. But the thing that made this showing stand out from the others was not those present nor what they had to say, but who wasn’t there and why.
Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman refused to attend, citing the Nevada GOP’s attempt to preempt New Hampshire’s traditional standing as the first state to host a national primary. In recent years both Nevada and Florida have caused unrest within the party by attempting to move the dates of their primaries forward against the wishes of the Republican National Committee. Another no show was former Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, whose recently released and admittedly radical plan to eliminate all taxes, Social Security and healthcare funding by arming and sending every American overseas to loot and pillage the rest of the world’s wealth has been drawing both fire from Liberals and a growing interest with the more conservative wing of the electorate.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, Mr. Waterhouse, a highly placed Unnamed former Bush Administration Source, said, “You know, I don’t really give a rat’s ass about whether or not Florida, Nevada, New Hampshire or Pago Pago is the first place to have a primary. And to be perfectly honest, it’ll suck to be in New Hampshire shaking little babies hands and kissing young co-eds in the middle of the goddamn Winter, but since my race is already starting from the back of the pack, stealing a little of Huntsman’s thunder can’t hurt. Plus, I try and stay away from cities that have casinos ever since that morning in 2003 when I woke up with twelve empty bottles of Cristal and a 250 pound stripper named Airtight Annie.”
When asked by this reporter if his avoidance of all the primary debates thus far had anything to do with the fact that as a creation of this author he wasn’t real and thus had no actual body to attend with, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that I not mention that fact to Koch brothers, who recently sent him a check for $300,000.00 in exchange for his pledge to allow them to corner the platinum market should he become president, replied, “Well, maybe a little something. It is difficult to speak forcefully when you don’t actually have a mouth, but that’s your fault, not mine, especially in these days of realistic computer animation. I mean, Christ, you coulda paid some ten year old fifty bucks and I’d be as real as anybody who was on that stage last night. Bastard.”
After apologizing for the fact that he had spent his twenties and thirties screwing around and getting stoned rather than taking computer classes, this reporter further queried Waterhouse as to whether the fact that he didn’t exist may hurt his chances of winning anything, Waterhouse, now speaking on the condition that this reporter create a twenty two year old Swedish masseuse named Inga for him to have an affair with said, “Actually, no candidate for president since Eisenhower has actually existed and none ever will again, not in American politics. I’m mean sure, having a face to photograph is an advantage, but as for policies or beliefs or any of that crap, they’re all just as much of a fantasy as I am. We’re all just a creation of whoever pays the most. My big problem is that I’m only a figment of your imagination and you’re broke; if you were a billionaire, I’d be whistling “Hail To The Chief” while Inga massaged my rock hard six pack abs…by the way, thanks for that. At least you imagined a boyishly good looking, tall, tanned and toned fictional character; I’d have really been pissed if you made me look like Newt Gingrich.”
When asked to comment on the status of his campaign coffers, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he and Inga get their own private Lear jet to make campaign stops in Vail, Aspen and Sydney, Australia this Winter said, “Well now, that’s a bright spot. I contacted every Tea Party and Christian group in America and just said I’m both not Barack Obama or a Mormon and the money just started pouring in.”
Waterhouse may have a valid point. While he may have no chance of winning himself, if he can keep his recent momentum going for another couple months he can be assured of two things- FOX News, who does have enough money and twelve year olds on their staff to generate a boyishly good looking, tall, tanned and toned fictional character, will most certainly hire him as a talking head for a million a year (just look at Sarah Palin) and the Koch brothers, who are spending billions in pocket change to buy every candidate they can find, will probably keep him on the payroll, just in case….after all, they’ve never let reality get in the way of a good return on an investment yet.